For my Soul-Sister, Preeti.

My Dearest loving Preeti, this song is for you and me, my sweet soul-sister. 

Listen to this song. Dwell on its words, the waves of music and the devotion of its Composer... there is profound grace in each word of this masterpiece. It has been stirring my soul since the first time I heard it. 

The thing that blows me away is its sheer beauty of melody, the meaning behind those words, J J (Ranbir's Character in the film)  and his simple heart and the depth of his passion for music... 

It reminds me of how much you have always been in tune with your inner soul- the sensitive, beautiful, ephemeral angel that you are. Since the first time we exchanged smiles at Nagindas in First Sem at SID, you have inspired and moved me beyond anything I can express in words... Your sketches, your Basic Design work, TRD Drawings and sheer will-power to overcome all the difficulties in your life was a lesson in survival. Having lost my mother a couple of months before I joined SID, I was raw, like someone skinned alive. Every emotion, every feeling was heightened by the sadness that in my life, at least, I would never be able to tell her, ever again, what she meant to me... She was my lifeline, and her loss weighs heavily on me to this day.... Such a loss can only make a person stronger, IF they can survive it, but in all my naked honesty, I tell you today that in those first two sems, everyday, it looked very unlikely ... 

My heart was drawn to you and Krishna Ma'am, for her blessing of motherly love for all of us. It was the fine thread, along with my father and what he must feel if I gave in, that held me onto life... so I tell you, dear Preeti, NEVER GIVE UP. YOU owe it to your mother, to live life the best you can and fight every obstacle, every negative onslaught from this world and its ways, every time you face pessimism. I and thousands of others are privileged and grateful to God for bringing you into our lives.... BELIEVE in yourself ALWAYS.... If you like it too, watch the video again, as I did, putting yourself in this holy place and ask yourself, what is that one thing or person or activity in your life that gives you true bliss. I think we both know the answer: MA. For both of us, perhaps, our mothers are our fountainhead of inspiration, love, beauty and gentleness. You are lucky, Preeti, your mummy is still with you, and I know you must be feeling the distance across the seas and that is what cuts you up and makes you lose heart sometimes... Just hold on, and remember, she is only a thought away. A whispered prayer and her heart will resound with your love cos that is what a mother's heart is like, baby. She is always with us, even if not physically next to us, she can still hear the echoes of our heartbeat in the throbbing of her own pulse. God is like our mother too, full of love and compassion... I always picture him as my mother because I lost faith in Him and His compassion many years ago when I lost my mother to Cancer...

As a teenager, I remember crying into my pillow, for nights on end in high School, praying to Him to please bless us with a miracle and save her...spare her life... but then, how could He let His carefully sketched-out plan go to naught!?? He won and I lost my mother to His powers over 18 years ago, and  I have not prayed in the conventional sense....ever since. Even if I go to the temple or stand before an idol, all I see is the Idol. I find that my god is my mother's memory, her life as she lived it, bravely and gently, lovingly and stoically...
My God is now in the eyes of my children... In the sparkle of a patient's smile as they squeeze my hand and tell me I have helped, which, I reassure them, is what I am there for.

Which brings me to this important bit I wanted to say!! DO WHAT MAKES YOU TRULY HAPPY; whether it is sitting down and listening to music or going outside with a sketchbook and recording something....in your poetic prose, or as a drawing. The inner-being in us all has ONE PASSIONATE FIRE within...it could be burning for anything- or anyone. Until we let it consume our lives, our time, our hearts, we will be restless and unfulfilled, feeling lost when we feel down.

I feel that way a lot, lot, lot of the time, babe and that's why I can relate to you... What gets me going is my kids, and my work as a Carer at the Hospital. It's just that I cannot pursue my dream of riding my bike to the end of the world, peeping off the edge and taking photographs just yet! Gotta wait .wait longer for that till all my responsibilities are done and I'm, Inshallah, older but still able to do it..!! I need to find my SELF, as I know you have....! The message you sent me on facebook  made it personifies your dedicated love, care and heart-warming beauty for all those who are lucky to have met you, howsoever briefly, because you leave a lasting impression on hearts.


My little daughter Rani, 7, is with me and it is now early morning... (I've been up since before first light today) reading your message and writing to you... Rani cried with me, as we held each other; she cried because she had reawakened from a bad dream and I did because it is unbearable to watch her cry to me when I woke up and walked downstairs where she was sleeping with a friend (we had a friend's two kids stay over so she could have some time to go out). I found her near the foot of the stairs, silently sobbing, and scooped her up to take her with me...

Moments later, she said "Mummy, I was missing you..." Now, nestled under the crook of my arm, she is watching me write, sorry, type this. I told her about your message and we both cried again, until she said , "Mummy, where is she!!?? When can I see her??! I want to give her a big hug and say thank you for being YOU." Rani wishes that there were no bad people in  the world and that all good people are always happy, and that nothing would make them sad.

As she puts, it, THEY are GOOD PEOPLE, they deserve to be happy. ALWAYS.
Amen to that! This is from the me and Rani (Shivu is sleeping with her Daddy tonight, to keep stress away from her) : for you... and me... and the child in all of us...Maa.
Be Happy and stay BLESSED, always. You inspire me and make me feel special, Preetikins. I am always with you, right there with you in spirit. You are and always will be my soul mate- my spiritual sister... and I want you to know how much you mean to me. Love you forever....
infinitely...
eternally yours,
-ruchi
6-10-2013
0522 Hrs

A silent Prayer...

Please click this link to hear the background score for this short, mental, 'film'. Now imagine yourself for a few minutes as if you are in an ocean, drifting along, floating on waves of pure joy... Now read on...

Dearest Daddy,
 I really feel you and Kaka will have a great time together after many years!! I still smile to myself whenever I think of the two of you TOGETHER, as the first image that comes to my mind is like a flash of a fast forward movie- the kind of visuals my mind has always been able to relive of the times Kaka visited us and vice versa. THE BEST image in that 'flash forward' is an imaginary one, of course- !! - it is the image which you 'made' for me!! When you narrated the times you & Kaka were slogging and sweating in Dilli ka Ghar room, trying to make your own water-air cooler as young boys!! The fact that Bapuji and Ba gave you all children ample chance to explore, learn and grow is a testament to the wonderful and well-rounded individuals you grew up to be. It is one of my favourite 'family movies' to 'watch'  when I miss you, Daddy, and its all the more special because in those days you and Mummy consciously decided to keep our lives simple- so we had none of the overwhelming technology (which, at the time meant Black&White T.V's, VCRs imported from Sri Lanka, Radio etc) in short, any thing and everything that was fondly referred to as Idiot Box-   to distract us.
We did have cassette tape players, LPs, 45 RPMs, and other kinds of influences, which one can 'stream' or 'control' by choosing the one suitable for the mood, atmosphere, feelings of others.....Pesky mosquitoes hummed and sang in my seven or ten year-old ears, stinging the legs and arms. We all sat in the IAF home front or back gardens. Being kids, we would drift outside to sit with you & Mummy, and often fall asleep in those chairs! We sat in the semi-darkness as a family and you talked to us. A lot of parents today (and I am guilty of it too) seldom find time to interact with children. We all have our stock of inexcusable 'excuses' like mine- lack of 'time' with kids being at school all day, and me always working afternoons and evenings and returning long after the kids are in bed already... and weekends at work too...)
A whole generation is growing up on iPad Apps and super-fast broadband and we have all but lost the time to enjoy TIME. TOGETHER... Life is like a sherbet drink; keep the flavour basic and simple, stick to what you really like and you will always enjoy it! Mix in too many different flavours and you might end up with something you don't want to drink, but cannot waste, either. Cos its life, and you MADE it- adding the flavours you consciously chose.

 With my own children, I try to give them a positive, lifelong experience of the simple joys. My daughters love walks, and their amazement and delight at all of nature- be it forests, hills or parks, the changes in the seasons, or the frost on the ground, the snow on the streets and the first signs of spring- are wonderful to experience as a parent. My husband plays with them, looks after them and makes us all laugh with glee. He is muscular, and yet makes a mean dish of Potato Curry and rice. One day last week, I was rushing to get things done, cooking alu Parathas for the family dinner before I shooted off to work at midday. I had spent the morning with my daughter's school team, and after an emotional rollercoaster, I was finally home. As soon as Raj realized I was rushed, he started helping me- doing the dishes, minding the parathas and We go for walks as a family, collecting resinous gum off Cherry Tree bark in the Summer and visit the forest in all seasons, really!
 We try to teach them the values we both hold dear- like being honest and kind. Sometimes, we do fall off the path ourselves and we do make mistakes too. I 'react' but the good thing is that I apologise to them respectfully and explain that my 'reaction' was sudden, and just a re-action. That, given the chance, I would ensure that the next time we would both have learned our lesson. I try to talk to them and we interact and spend more and more quality time together as we do things like go fora walk, run, dance, play, sing, laugh. Daily chores like cooking and cleaning become interesting- and Shivangi and Rani help me if I request them to hand me something from the fridge or freezer, or peel garlic, potatoes, and I slice up vegetables and they wash them.... This 'quality' time is the only 'Viraasat' I can give them, as I am enriched by my interactions and learning from you and mummy... Memories these children will carry will shape their whole future lives, existence, emotions and the way they cope with life itself.

See, Dad, the way I look at it is life is a series of events. Some of these 'events'  are not in our control. A bit like a bus where we are a passenger, not the driver!! (The driver, I feel is God!) So, whether the journey takes half an hour of going through heavy traffic that slows it down to take one hour, its not for us to change/ control (unless we get off the bus physically, which is NOT an option!!) Or unless the driver says, look guys, the bus journey is to be terminated here, so would all of you people please get 'off' the bus here??! You can catch the next bus coming in, or ask for a refund and your time wasted is regrettable, but not in MY control either....!
So, like a passenger on THAT kind of bus, I can choose to watch the things flash by, smiling at the good, quirky memories/ places/ etc or choose to ignore things 'outside' the bus, just observe my fellow passengers, maybe chat with them/ respond if they start chatting with me!!? Or, like I do when 'alone' on a bus (i.e, when my kids are at school and not part of the journey with me), I think of them, pray for them, send loving vibes to my loved ones, or listen to music on my headphones!!
So many various 'reactions' to one same, recurrent journey (the cyclical rhythm of birth and death, that a soul undertakes in order to attain nirvaana.... (for example, if I go to town on the same bus on the same route for a meeting/appointment very regularly, I will still meet 'different' people, 'have'  the same old 'different' experiences each time.... but what remains constant each time??! It is the 'I' myself. my SELF.) The journey that the Self undertakes each time may be different, and , that 'experience' of the journey will depend on:
My frame of mind,
My 'inner' peace, and how low/high are the reserves at that moment,(like bhai and you often used to say, life a sinus wave- कभी ऊपर तो कभी नीचे।
आप सोच रहे होगे की मैं क्या बोलती जा रही हूँ।।?? (You must be wondering , "What is she talking about, exactly"??!)
Simply, that events, interactions, reactions from people may have affected how I feel on that day....
but when the journey is going on, or the destination (foreseen or unforeseen, as the case may be!) is near, one prepares to leave to bus. taking their 'I' ness with them, off the bus!
All that, then, remains to be said is a polite and heartfelt Thank You to your driver (God) for the journey...
Yesterday, early in the morning, I woke up and felt like 'talking' to God. After more than three restless, sleepless nights, I was physically and mentally drained and my silent musings had travelled, predictably, on the path. So beginning with " I'm OK, you're OK" (remember imok-youreok, Dad!!??) to, very briefly,I must say-" I'm not O.K, You're not O.K", I had finally reached the realisation that I'm (probably) not O.K, but my I (soul)  is O.K. I was ready to open my arms and say " I'm O.K, You're O.K"  He appeared to me and blessed me so that all my anxiety, worries, stress and fears were wiped out and I was left with a feeling of total peace and resignation to His will, As it says in the Lord's Prayer, worldwide-
...Thy will be done: on earth as it is in heaven.
These days, in my darkest hour, my spirit is revived by prayer and prayer alone.
One day, early this week, when my husband asked me, "What do you want??!" (he was talking about this marriage- whether we should be together/get a divorce... What would be my 'needs' financially, materialistically, emotionally etc)....I said, simply, that I want you to be happy, and our children to be happy. I said and I feel I 'want' nothing other than for the children to grow up 'whole' and that I would not like their innocence to be destroyed, faith to be lost or love to be divided. Because LOVE can never, EVER be DIVIDED... It can only be given and it only multiplies....
O.K, Daddy, I am going to get ready for my 0700 Hrs shift, as the kids sleep silently, contentedly with their Dad, or PAPA WOLF (from Alpha n Omega) as they call him!!
All is Well...
Love and hugs,
yours Ruch

My Numero Uno Man!!

A dashing, heart-stopping smile, tall and lanky in his Air Force Officer's Uniform, my Dad has always been an easy-going guy!! He grew up in Delhi, aspired to be an Architect, became an Engineer and joined the Indian Air force in his twenties. He worked hard, treated his colleagues and subordinates with equal respect and regarded good values and a sound character above rank and file, status and riches. He still lives by the same tenets, and inspires me everyday. Okay, let me tell you something about my Dad. Having grown up as an only son with  three younger sisters, under the watchful gaze of a very principled man, (my grandfather, Shri Halubha Sodha aka Bapuji) Dad always, instinctively, knew right from wrong, and followed Bapuji's word to  the letter. ( See post  the humane divine for more...)

Dad has always been quiet, and never talks too much. Only now, as we have grown up and sometimes get a chance to converse with him and share our concerns, problems, dilemmas and joys with him does he talk about what he and Mum, as young parents and as a couple, went through. They were always each other's best friend! He was immensely proud of her PhD in Sanskrit, she was always tremendously graceful and supportive of him and stood by him, steadfast and strong... Together, they are my Rock of Gibraltar, if you will...! They shared a love of music, of reading and always made times out as a family special. Even if he had to ride over on his trusty Bajaj scooter twice, to ferry our family of six to the venue, he never complained! They both had worked on their marriage and its wheels spun smoothly and noiselessly, making light of the miles they traversed...

His natural simplicity was not evident to me until I hit my late teens. Okay, so, on many occasions, he laughed with us and showed us how do do something, and often surprised me the most when I would be ready to cringe expecting a good-old dhaap, but just got told I should 'get lost'!! (Yeah, I'd scuttle away, relieved and yet, terribly ashamed. This 'तखलिया' from Dad served two purposes- it gave me time to think back on the incident and introspect, and gave him time to 'cool off'!)

 If we got ranked 5th in class at school, he'd joke that someone else should get the chance to stand first, sometimes and always maintained that being in the band of average students was good, as long as we did our best and never cheated at tests. "Ask an adult for guidance if you're stuck and do not understand something..." , he would say. There was no pressure to perform well at school, no pushing us to do drama, dance or drawing... We could do what we liked, so long as we were mindful of others' feelings and never hurt anyone (including ourselves) in the process! So we learned to ride our bikes and climb trees, and also passed on the dubious skills to our cousin Parth, our house-hold help's daughters Anju and Mita...! We made pots and pans from mud dug up from the garden and even baked it in a make-shift kiln fire (imagine the horror on the HSE's face) in the very same garden, on the porch... 

But I digress...! This post is not about the fun I had as a kid, its about my Father! That he is my ideal man is an understatement- He is the only man - apart from my husband and my brother- who invokes love and respect from me in equal measure! He is kind, he is a surviour and someone who lives a simple, self-sufficient life... Since I lost my mother to Cancer 17 years ago, He's been both a father and a mother to me. In the year after mom passed away, my sister got married and my brother joined the Indian Naval Academy. Now there were only Ba, Dad and I left at home... We grieved, we learned to smile again, and our silences became a voice too... We would all sit and listen to the radio- (Vividh bharti-at 2100 broadcasted a programme called bhooli-bisri yaadein that we listened to, then went to sleep)... This time together was precious, and still teaches me a thing or two about parenting, as I watch my own daughters grow. I share my difficulties with him, both personal and general, and his kindness and wisdom shines through. He is my father, my guru, and my God, he is inspiring, loving and very much loved back!
Dad, if you're reading this, accept my love and pranams and do NOT be self effacing (as you often are) and say "arre, Ruch...!" This Ruch is here, today the way I am, the person I am, because of you...chalo, अब बच्चियों  को उठाने का समय हो गया है! Sunday है, पर मुझे काम पर जाना है!

Dad and Rani in the summer of 2010.

The Stars on Earth

When a child is born, 
the family rejoices, 
when someone you love dies, 
you shed tears of sorrow at the loss of their form,
Is it not true, that we celebrate Christmas and Easter with the same joy??!
When one is the birth and the other is the resurrection of Christ in our hearts, surely the soul's journey is beyond birth and death??!  
     -this is something I wrote (on Good Friday)

As a Child, my ideal was my mother. I loved and admired her with my whole being, basking in the sunshine of the Love she and Daddy shared with each other and our entire family. As I was growing up, my lifelong ambition was to emulate her; her grace, her silence, her wisdom. All I wanted to do was be a mother like her, to my future kids, if God saw it fit that I have them. Losing mummy to Cancer was the hardest, most painful experience of our lives. but as a family, we slowly picked ourselves up. Webecame closer, remembered her Values and all that she stood for. Justice, Equality, Love, Truth, her dedication to her students at the College...I Thank God, today, for the brief time we were fortunate to have her. to love her. She may not be with me physically, and I miss her dearly. I cry bitterly, everytime Life is a struggle, a question, a bitter-sweet pain.... Then I remember what she used to say, do and wrote. I turn to my father, my brother and sister- talk to them if I can, or think about them.... I feel my pain melting away. I thank the Lord for life. All of Life. In times like these, these lines By Gibran are my inspiration, as he wrote-

Kahlil Gibran's THE PROPHET. 

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

-Kahlil gibran, theProphet, On Children.

Taare Zameen Par 

(Stars on Earth)

I remember crying my eyes out, when I saw the film Taare Zameen Par, (dubbed version here, in English, and Spanish) for the first time (and each time since..) The whole film is really close to my heart. Maybe because it reminds me of my mother- Ma.... Maybe because my sweetest memories of it relate to my little girl, then just four years old, singing 'taare zameen par' in her little voice a few years ago...She and I both loved the song right from the first time we heard it, and I waited and waited for the film to release on TV. On another level, as a mother of a child with complex difficulties which are yet to be isolated or diagnosed for certain, (A Special Daughter) I can relate to the emotions depicted in the film. It is a sensitive and heartfelt portrayal of a child's world from his own and an adult's perspective... My little girl is now nearly eight and the film struck a chord within my heart.

It is about a unique, lovely little boy Ishaan (Ishaan's World.) Struggling with his learning difficulties, he now faces the trauma of losing all his family too. The boarding school is no different from most other mainstream schools and Ishaan goes into a shell. One day, a new Art Teacher bursts into class and inspires the kids to imagine, dream and let themselves go!! All the children respond to his liveliness with enthusiasm, except Ishaan. The teacher tries to find out WHY. He sees the child's difficulties, helps him overcome them with love and attention and sheer untiring effort and eventually rescues him from the cesspool of isolation. He blossoms under the specialist, untiring tuition of the teacher and consolidates his strengths. That he also finds a way to negotiate his life and sift through his difficulties, is a credit to his spirit and the teacher's efforts.

When I first saw the film, I was shedding tears not only for the little boy in the story, but also for my little girl, my self and all those who suffer silently as the world goes on around them, unaware that they are struggling to make sense of it...

My little girl loves sand, water and running around the park, sitting on the grass and having a picnic.... So I take her outdoors as often as I can, watching her, one with nature. She may not be ready to write, may find it hard to read, sometimes, but one thing that is certain is her evolution from a child to a little girl has been going on since she was born...She is becoming more aware of herself, her surroundings, people, their reactions and their likes and dislikes. While she sees all this, she also 'files away' the 'right' and 'wrong' things she may have done in the past. She is more sociable, more joyous and much more interactive...!

As things have a way of unfolding, I have accepted the fact that, she will, in time be who she is meant to be. That 'being' is unique; it will not, and should not be expected to be ruled by others' ,idea,  hopes or expectations of her. She is a free-spirit as are all children- a bird, a flower, a soul. She came from God and He alone will mould her into her one true form...

We, her parents, were just the means to bring her forth into this world; what she is is beyond birth and death, age and life, words and silence... For this realization, Lord, I thank thee, and pray that thee remind me, each moment of what I must do is nurture her, nourish her and love her for who she is and what she is 'meant to be'..