Reality Bites: INDIA TODAY- MARD (Part II)

Dear Farhan Akhtar and the MARD movement,

You're Men Against Rape and Discrimination,
did you know you've just taken on a gargantuan task of educating the population,

We live in a Metropolis of desire and plenty,
a country of God, a Land of Beauty,
we're run by greedy Leaders who couldn't care less for our Nation,
their sole aim is to win seats in the Lok Sabha Election...
they fatten their bellies whilst humanity is slain,
sucking the blood of the poor who live and die in vain

We all read about the big cities, some even live there...
we have Politicians adept at showcasing India's bumper bounty of beauty and diversity,
while hiding away the disturbing reality-
cities and towns that are morally poor
where riches and rags coexist like unborn twins...

We breathe in an age of connectivity and twitter,
yet hundreds of girls are denied a chance at a decent education
we boast of the latest iPhone 5s and the Delhi underground,
yet people live and die on our footpaths, of disillusioned, helpless deprivation...

and we still speak of INDIA EMERGING,

and TROUNCING the WORLD...
what a f#*%ing joke!!

There are some here in our Motherland,
who behave like something inhuman and grotesque,
A child loses her innocent trust of men,
by the vile acts of one individual...
In a country full of people who distribute Laddoos when boys are born,
and helpless mothers weep in fear and watch husbands or in-Laws sigh in frustration
when a little baby girl opens her eyes for the first time...

when some random male of the species begins to think he is God's gift to everyone,
where a girl-child or a woman is seriously assaulted, attacked and even beaten,
how and where do we start this crusade,
do we need Bob-the-builder to bulldoze the system
or shall we begin with an individual spade?!

We use technology to wipe out an unborn foetus
its only crime being it's an XX not an XY chromorome
we torture, bribe and beat our women into sumbissive creatures 
and turn them into dolled-up Barbie images
I have seen loud Men and boys wolf-whistle at their nascent sexuality- 
overlooking their earnestness to be free,
independent and respected...
and be treated as humans.

We have middle-aged men sporting their buff abs,
grins or smouldering gazes photographed to perfection,
we applaud and admire their grit, their sheer drive to look after their health and 'looks'
yet some people will watch Tennis to see if a woman player's skirt will ride up her well-toned body
as she lithely moves to earn our country a Commonwealth Gold medal......
We treat women like objects of sexuality; a condom, perhaps, or even worse....

Why such double standards??!! 
Where is the equality and diversity, the celebration of life and peace?? 
would they now dare to burn effigies of Ravanaa on Dussehra??
atleast he was far, far more virtuous than these men who violate and kill innocent children, animals and women?! 
In a country of Cow-worshippers, Ganga-bathers and Devi Maa-followers, thousands of women, girls and even children are Sexually assaulted, molested, sodomised and killed by sick inhuman bastards every year....sometimes, even our Gau Mata, the COW, worshipped as a mother isn't spared... two men, drunk to their eyeballs raped and stabbed this innocent animal (see here)...
Who can imagine the horrors that dwell in the mind of some sick people??! Its ironic, that in the land of Hinduism and Millennia of Knowledge where no animal could be more precious to Hindus the World over as a symbol of the Mother; giver, sustainer, nurturer and Krishna's beloved divine ward- an innocent animal, always docile and harmless can be attacked and abused in this grotesque manner...

"Krishna, nee be ganee.. baroo.." - Colonial Cousins sang in the '90s...
but I'm afraid, my Krishna is hiding somewhere... in the tearful eyes of an innocent childhood, destroyed.... weeping silent tears, pain and horror assail her tiny body... my krishna is alone, somewhere, waiting... as I wait for Him.


NOTES:
 A 5 year old little girl was kidnapped and raped, sodomised and left for dead in a Delhi flat last week... Her frantic parents ran from pillar to post, until, finally the police took notice and agreed to lodge and FIR... that night.
She was found two days later in a locked room under the stairs of her parents' apartment. Someone heard her little whimpers and tiny wails, and alerted the Police who found her barely alive.... As I read the news reports of the horrific signs of the brutality she lived through... enduring unimaginable Only kept alive by his will....As a mother of two little girls myself, this incident left my heart juddering uncontrollably every time I think of the innocent little child's ordeal... Her life, her innocence her future well-being are in tatters... all because of one sick, inhuman excuse of a male...
The Police first tried to stop the news spreading, then proceeded to fake a show of shameless outrage and sympathy. The ACP and his goons bully and slap young girls who dare to protest, try to silence the voices of thousands of Indians unified in protest as they demand change and reform.

Bala Krishna

The fat Netas with their white kurtas and Khadi jackets huddle together in the Parliament and shamelessly pass the buck, resulting in one faux pas after another... They pull grave faces and give lofty speeches and now trivialise the Malaise that afflicts our nation of Cow-worshippers and DEVI Puja devotees by saying this happens to hundreds of women all over India..... Is this the dream of Gandhi and Nehru!!? The Land of Rama and Maa Durga, Shiva and Vishnu!!
 As the little girl, who is my Krishna, fights for her life in the AIIMS, I pray to him, Lord of all beings... to look out for the innocent child- Bala Krishna..

All this, happened in INDIA...
My India...
On one hand she glows and beams with a dazzling splendour,
from the snow-capped mountains to the Indian Ocean lapping her feet reverentially in an image of her as our Mother: Bhaarat Mata Ki Jai...
As foreign tourists visit our country, some with backpacks and a goal: teaching and helping rebuild India, one-brick-at-a-time (I knew a girl, Rachael Grivas from Australia who was doing just that!!) others come to WED Indian Ishtyle (Katy Perry and her Ex, anyone!?) or Discover GOD'S OWN COUNTRY... or frolic in the sun and lie on the sands of Goa's beaches...
On another darker level, the spotless mega-cities that are on every government distributed pamphlet hide their underbelly of monstrous proportions even as young innocence is left in tatters  at the hands of those we trust- our men-folk: the SONS of India...The Authorities go pussyfooting  around the grave state of affairs, the seriousness of the disease that afflicts our society and our very identity as Indians...

If we cannot protect our children, what future, really, do we have??? Shocking figures show us how serious the extent of human rights violation  really is- in the first decade of the 21st Century, India has shocked us all...(please read all about it- here)- I can't even bring myself to say it but there has been an INCREASE of 336% in Child Rape Cases... many more are feared, because there may be hundreds of cases that go unreported... Ultimately, is THIS the India Veen Bhagat singh and his comrades died bravely for?? Was this Gandhiji and Sardar Patel's dream?? Do we just let it go back to what it was like; 'BUSINESS, AS USUAL' AS THEY SAY... or do we shout silently and protest non-violently?? There is immeasurable strength in numbers and each and every Indian has a duty to her or his Nation. not just the Soldiers and Navy, Air force and BSF Jawaans... EACH ONE OF US MUST STAND TOGETHER AND BE COUNTED.

WE, ALL 1.25 BILLION OF US CAN MAKE THE CHANGE HAPPEN, BY BEING THE CHANGE ITSELF.
NOW IS THE TIME!
IT HAS TO BE RIGHT NOW OR IT WILL NEVER BE...

Krishna.-serenely beautiful as the monsoon clouds

THANK YOU to MARD and you, Farhan, for being a CATALYST FOR CHANGE. Even though I'm not a M in the MARD (being a woman, daughter, wife,mother, sister, niece, and aunt!) I still would like to make MARD my WARD (Women Against Rape & discrimination) and protect, nurture and watch her grow...
my child, my little India- who hasn't even been born yet...

India today- Reality bites (Part I)

India. The Land of a 370 million Gods and Goddesses. India with its holy Ganges ,the river that purifies our soul, the river that Hindus have worshipped as Ganga Maiyya since time immemorial, whose swirling waters gush down from the Himalayas and enrich the flood plains of Northern India. The ghats of Varanasi, the Temples of the entire Subcontinent hail the feminine form as the source of 'Shakti' or  Divine Power. India. The Largest Democracy in the World. The Country that, in Jawaharlal Nehru's own words, "Awakened to freedom".. on 15th August 1947. Awakened ?? Did it really wake up!?

 In a Nation with a population of over 1.25 billion people; about half of them women- a girl, a woman, is deemed to be 'asking for it' if she ventures out alone, or steps out at night without a male companion. She is told that 'boys are boys' and that girls must 'behave' if they want to be good, virtuous and live a honourable, safe life. In our Patriarchal society, men are routinely hailed as the kul-deepak, or 'light' that bears the family name forward. What can one expect from an Indian civilization whose Epic the Mahabharata recounts that a hall full of male relatives sat and silently watched Draupadi being disrobed in the presence of many senior and brave warriors??! Yes, it began the MAHABHARATA, but did that make our BHARAT MAHAAN!!??? I do not think it does. The true horror lies in the fact that in a Country of over 1.2 Billion, who worship, and salute the Goddesses in female form as almost all Hindus do, women are still treated as second rate citizens.

Today, a brave young girl died fighting for her life. Only because she was a woman. She was minding her own business, doing what billions of young people all over the globe do when they want to relax- spending some time with a friend, doing nothing out of the ordinary. She was merely out in public in the Capital City of the Nation, (also unofficially dubbed as the 'rape- Capital' of India) and was returning home from the Cinema at half-past nine in the evening and took a bus home with her male companion. This is not something that is unheard of in India today. Youth have their freedom. Youth have the right to freedom too. I cannot imagine anyone who would say that in 2012, it is unsafe to travel in the Capital at nine-thirty p.m. It is not something that would warrant such a horrific attack on her person. Today, she has lost her life. This Unnamed and unseen young woman has struck a chord with millions of Indians all over the world who salute her spirit and vow, silently, not to let things go 'back to business as usual' as one activist put it. This time, the Awakening has to be for ever. Today, India is united in grief, anger and dismay; shame, pain and disbelief. Nothing unites a people the way sorrow does- as did this one incident in Delhi 14 days ago.

Rape is not something Indians routinely shudder at. As a nation, we have become desensitised to this horrific attack on another human. Often, we begin the day reading about an incident of rape each day, every day, in the hundreds of reports in the Daily Newspapers all over the nation. From Metro cities to small, obscure or remote villages, men often control, dominate and treat women in this manner. Every year, thousands of girls are denied the right to be born, by families that want to have a 'boy' child . Stifled and murdered in the womb, the lucky few that see the light of day are 'indoctrinated' in the millennia old traditions of chastity, virtue and dignity being the sole responsibility of the female.  A few weeks back, another young teenager committed suicide, harassed by her rapists and troubled by the indifference of the Police Force-  a force employed explicitly for the protection of all citizens. A force led by an ignoble officer in that remote village who was even reluctant to lodge an FIR against the 'upper caste' rapists of the young Dalit girl.

 As I read the articles and soul-search within, looking at NDTV footage of Sunitha (a brave Rape-Survivor who was gang-raped 24 years ago, as a young girl of fifteen) a cry of unbelievable horror involuntarily escapes me...My little girls (8 and 6yrs old) look up from their playing and run up to me, abandoning their toy-train games on the carpet. "Mummy, what happened, why are you upset..?" I silently hug them, burying myself in their innocence, their childhood.
I search for words to explain to them in a way that they will understand, why being a girl/woman in India today is such a horrendous disadvantage.... Why men, unknown/ known/ strange/ familiar, must be approached in a guarded, manner, lest we be labelled 'frivolous' or 'flirtatious', 'coquettish' or worse....Why a raped woman is questioned about her 'past' , criticized for her choice of 'clothes' an the length of her skirt, the 'westernised' youth are told that these things did not happen in the last century? Isn't it true that looting, raping and killing innocents was part of the horror of partition?? This is the way most of our grandparents remember that most painful cleaving of the subcontinent. not only that, in the year 2000, Gujarat again reeled under the attack when the communal riots broke out...

I have questions but no answers, anger but no fury...just a quiet, silent, cry of horror...  As a society, we have a lot to answer for- be it individually, or in our world-view, our predisposition to creating and viewing  'ladki dekho- seeti maaro,' kind of films. In our refusal to see the 'symptoms' as symptoms and the 'disease' as DIS-EASE... In my eyes, the malaise of our society is the 'superiority complex' that some Indian Men are encouraged to adopt- be it via their upbringing, when parents and elders routinely favour the 'son' and 'truss' up the daughter to be the 'virtue' of the family. Where all the tenets of chastity and dignity are applied to a girl and rape is the ultimate degradation- the blot, that is likened to an indelible stain on her soul.
Many a time, a family with only daughters is looked upon as unfortunate, incomplete. Sometimes, an elderly relative or unassuming Asian patient (who I attended to as a Healthcare Professional) inquires if I have any children, and when I tell them, yes, I have two little girls, I am told, don't worry, God will bless you with a son too, someday. The sad fact is that they don't even think of the possibility that I am totally happy with my two Angelic Brats, and thank God every moment for the blessing of their lives.

Someday, I know, I will have to acquaint my daughters with the sad truth about the reason behind the regressive Indian mindset. Someday I will  have to tell them, of how walking, cycling, riding a scooter 'safely' back home in India, used to be an achievement in my University days... Eve-teasers abounded on every College corner, checking girls out and freely commenting on looks, hair, clothes etc. Often, I felt anger, a rush of disgust and solid good-old contempt for the mean-spirited sons of a society brought up with the mindset 'Menfolk are superior', just because they are men. Just because they possess the XY chromosome, and just because they have 'that' piece of equipment hanging between their legs.

Rape, Female Infanticide, Domestic Abuse and Crimes against women are the symptoms of our Patriarchal Society that is steeped in disease. The disease born from the 'superiority complex' that India has bestowed on all things Male. Forgetting the Value-system of our ancient forefathers, our Upanishads and the Vedas, the selective filtering of the desire for a 'son' has made India forget that Lord Rama was called Maryaada-Purushottam Ram because of Sita being his one and only wife. Even he was guilty and pined for her when he banished her to the forest, as an expectant mother...

Gone are the days of the sensitivity and gentleness of  actor Balraj Sahni and the Kabuliwala, who raised menfolk to the status of a fatherly figure in the eyes and psyche of his beloved mini bitiya. In India today, a three year Old girl is brutally raped in a kindergarten by one of the School support staff, and the deplorable, despicable vermin is merely locked up for the better part of a decade. What about the innocent child whose life he had so brutally and irrevocably damaged?! 

Most boys and men in India today are well-educated, conscientious and respectful of women and elders alike. It would be wrong to paint an entire populace with the same brush as the perpetrators of these heinous crimes against humankind. But then again, there is a well-known saying, "One rotten apple spoils the lot." Granted, that not all of the nearly half a billion men are eve teasers or rapists. But as a society, we are going terribly wrong somewhere as we have done since time immemorial, to have brought a daughter of our country such untold physical and emotional anguish. That she fought for her life bravely is a testimony to her spirit, and it is this spirit that we, all 1.2 billion of us Indians must salute and resolve to imbibe. It is when a horror such as this strikes us, that India looks a little bit deeper into its heart and sees the elements of a regressive, sickening mindset searing the millions of good men who are innocent. So who do we blame? The Police, the Rapists, the Politicians? Why not address the issue of gender inequality in India at its most basic. Let us begin at the lowest rung of the ladder and eradicate the problem from the grass-root level??

 Long ago, in pre-Independence India, Raja Ram Mohan Roy had protested against the Sati pratha . his reform was the spark that ignited the change, until the practice was eventually outlawed by the British Raj in 1829 A.D. Now,we only read about it in books, or see it in remotely grainy Black & White films or a bygone era...At present, though, I content myself with making these notes for the future, chronicling our life and times. Hoping for a much better tomorrow when rape and Female Foeticide, dowry and the circus of the 'superior male' will have been wiped out. I hope for a future of equality and promise, wherein girls can be born and grow as equals to any boy or man in India. When they can thrive and realise their potential, fulfil their dreams and achieve their ambition.

India today, needs to awaken again. The country needs to adapt itself to be fit to function in the 21st century. On one hand, we have women in our Armed forces, Police and Paramilitary forces, we have women stand alongside and often overtake men on the professional front. on the other hand, we treat women in such a reprehensible manner- assaulting them physically, verbally, emotionally and in countless other ways. The perpetrators are not men alone, but all of society. Each and every one of us is culpable. From the miscarriage of justice to the one who does 'nothing' when faced with these atrocities. So what can we do!? One thing we ALL can do is start small. in our communities, in our localities- if we see someone behaving badly, make it 'our  business' to stop them. Not by violence. Not by attacking them, but by joining hands with like-minded people and showing them that this will not be tolerated. Also, a petition written by Namita Bhandare is to go out to the President of the Republic of India. you can read and sign it too, if you wish. (here)

Let's not dissect this incident alone and sensationalise the young woman who lost her life by singing odes to her, or lighting candles. By signing posters or shouting slogans. All this is going to be short-lived. What we need is a slow, steady flame that becomes a blaze. a Blaze of reform and change. A fire that burns evil, purifies our conscience and shows each one of us a mirror. Let us not question why we were silent for so long- this has been allowed to fester for far too long anyhow- the time to Act is NOW! The fight has just begun. Tough times lie ahead, and if we all can make our localities, our communities or streets that little bit safer, then India will, one day, be truly FREE.

A silent Prayer...

Please click this link to hear the background score for this short, mental, 'film'. Now imagine yourself for a few minutes as if you are in an ocean, drifting along, floating on waves of pure joy... Now read on...

Dearest Daddy,
 I really feel you and Kaka will have a great time together after many years!! I still smile to myself whenever I think of the two of you TOGETHER, as the first image that comes to my mind is like a flash of a fast forward movie- the kind of visuals my mind has always been able to relive of the times Kaka visited us and vice versa. THE BEST image in that 'flash forward' is an imaginary one, of course- !! - it is the image which you 'made' for me!! When you narrated the times you & Kaka were slogging and sweating in Dilli ka Ghar room, trying to make your own water-air cooler as young boys!! The fact that Bapuji and Ba gave you all children ample chance to explore, learn and grow is a testament to the wonderful and well-rounded individuals you grew up to be. It is one of my favourite 'family movies' to 'watch'  when I miss you, Daddy, and its all the more special because in those days you and Mummy consciously decided to keep our lives simple- so we had none of the overwhelming technology (which, at the time meant Black&White T.V's, VCRs imported from Sri Lanka, Radio etc) in short, any thing and everything that was fondly referred to as Idiot Box-   to distract us.
We did have cassette tape players, LPs, 45 RPMs, and other kinds of influences, which one can 'stream' or 'control' by choosing the one suitable for the mood, atmosphere, feelings of others.....Pesky mosquitoes hummed and sang in my seven or ten year-old ears, stinging the legs and arms. We all sat in the IAF home front or back gardens. Being kids, we would drift outside to sit with you & Mummy, and often fall asleep in those chairs! We sat in the semi-darkness as a family and you talked to us. A lot of parents today (and I am guilty of it too) seldom find time to interact with children. We all have our stock of inexcusable 'excuses' like mine- lack of 'time' with kids being at school all day, and me always working afternoons and evenings and returning long after the kids are in bed already... and weekends at work too...)
A whole generation is growing up on iPad Apps and super-fast broadband and we have all but lost the time to enjoy TIME. TOGETHER... Life is like a sherbet drink; keep the flavour basic and simple, stick to what you really like and you will always enjoy it! Mix in too many different flavours and you might end up with something you don't want to drink, but cannot waste, either. Cos its life, and you MADE it- adding the flavours you consciously chose.

 With my own children, I try to give them a positive, lifelong experience of the simple joys. My daughters love walks, and their amazement and delight at all of nature- be it forests, hills or parks, the changes in the seasons, or the frost on the ground, the snow on the streets and the first signs of spring- are wonderful to experience as a parent. My husband plays with them, looks after them and makes us all laugh with glee. He is muscular, and yet makes a mean dish of Potato Curry and rice. One day last week, I was rushing to get things done, cooking alu Parathas for the family dinner before I shooted off to work at midday. I had spent the morning with my daughter's school team, and after an emotional rollercoaster, I was finally home. As soon as Raj realized I was rushed, he started helping me- doing the dishes, minding the parathas and We go for walks as a family, collecting resinous gum off Cherry Tree bark in the Summer and visit the forest in all seasons, really!
 We try to teach them the values we both hold dear- like being honest and kind. Sometimes, we do fall off the path ourselves and we do make mistakes too. I 'react' but the good thing is that I apologise to them respectfully and explain that my 'reaction' was sudden, and just a re-action. That, given the chance, I would ensure that the next time we would both have learned our lesson. I try to talk to them and we interact and spend more and more quality time together as we do things like go fora walk, run, dance, play, sing, laugh. Daily chores like cooking and cleaning become interesting- and Shivangi and Rani help me if I request them to hand me something from the fridge or freezer, or peel garlic, potatoes, and I slice up vegetables and they wash them.... This 'quality' time is the only 'Viraasat' I can give them, as I am enriched by my interactions and learning from you and mummy... Memories these children will carry will shape their whole future lives, existence, emotions and the way they cope with life itself.

See, Dad, the way I look at it is life is a series of events. Some of these 'events'  are not in our control. A bit like a bus where we are a passenger, not the driver!! (The driver, I feel is God!) So, whether the journey takes half an hour of going through heavy traffic that slows it down to take one hour, its not for us to change/ control (unless we get off the bus physically, which is NOT an option!!) Or unless the driver says, look guys, the bus journey is to be terminated here, so would all of you people please get 'off' the bus here??! You can catch the next bus coming in, or ask for a refund and your time wasted is regrettable, but not in MY control either....!
So, like a passenger on THAT kind of bus, I can choose to watch the things flash by, smiling at the good, quirky memories/ places/ etc or choose to ignore things 'outside' the bus, just observe my fellow passengers, maybe chat with them/ respond if they start chatting with me!!? Or, like I do when 'alone' on a bus (i.e, when my kids are at school and not part of the journey with me), I think of them, pray for them, send loving vibes to my loved ones, or listen to music on my headphones!!
So many various 'reactions' to one same, recurrent journey (the cyclical rhythm of birth and death, that a soul undertakes in order to attain nirvaana.... (for example, if I go to town on the same bus on the same route for a meeting/appointment very regularly, I will still meet 'different' people, 'have'  the same old 'different' experiences each time.... but what remains constant each time??! It is the 'I' myself. my SELF.) The journey that the Self undertakes each time may be different, and , that 'experience' of the journey will depend on:
My frame of mind,
My 'inner' peace, and how low/high are the reserves at that moment,(like bhai and you often used to say, life a sinus wave- कभी ऊपर तो कभी नीचे।
आप सोच रहे होगे की मैं क्या बोलती जा रही हूँ।।?? (You must be wondering , "What is she talking about, exactly"??!)
Simply, that events, interactions, reactions from people may have affected how I feel on that day....
but when the journey is going on, or the destination (foreseen or unforeseen, as the case may be!) is near, one prepares to leave to bus. taking their 'I' ness with them, off the bus!
All that, then, remains to be said is a polite and heartfelt Thank You to your driver (God) for the journey...
Yesterday, early in the morning, I woke up and felt like 'talking' to God. After more than three restless, sleepless nights, I was physically and mentally drained and my silent musings had travelled, predictably, on the path. So beginning with " I'm OK, you're OK" (remember imok-youreok, Dad!!??) to, very briefly,I must say-" I'm not O.K, You're not O.K", I had finally reached the realisation that I'm (probably) not O.K, but my I (soul)  is O.K. I was ready to open my arms and say " I'm O.K, You're O.K"  He appeared to me and blessed me so that all my anxiety, worries, stress and fears were wiped out and I was left with a feeling of total peace and resignation to His will, As it says in the Lord's Prayer, worldwide-
...Thy will be done: on earth as it is in heaven.
These days, in my darkest hour, my spirit is revived by prayer and prayer alone.
One day, early this week, when my husband asked me, "What do you want??!" (he was talking about this marriage- whether we should be together/get a divorce... What would be my 'needs' financially, materialistically, emotionally etc)....I said, simply, that I want you to be happy, and our children to be happy. I said and I feel I 'want' nothing other than for the children to grow up 'whole' and that I would not like their innocence to be destroyed, faith to be lost or love to be divided. Because LOVE can never, EVER be DIVIDED... It can only be given and it only multiplies....
O.K, Daddy, I am going to get ready for my 0700 Hrs shift, as the kids sleep silently, contentedly with their Dad, or PAPA WOLF (from Alpha n Omega) as they call him!!
All is Well...
Love and hugs,
yours Ruch

Maternity

At the ripe middle age of 36, I am a part-time carer, part-time teacher (at home! ) and full-time mother to my little girls, aged 8 yrs and 6 yrs old. I'm in relatively good health too, apart from a non-life-threatening illness that will be with me forever now. So, as I said, I feel fine, inspite of the complicated way the doctors are treating me which means I must never have any more children, ever. Not at all. (Due to medication I'm on, for life now...) This finality, this decisiveness has, suddenly, made me a tad bit broody.... I mean, if I had a choice, I'd have probably not tried for another child, but having the decision taken firmly out of my grasp has left me feeling cheated, somehow. You know the feeling a woman gets when she sees another woman holding a newborn baby close, the tiny form held protectively in her arms... or when a pregnant mother contemplates a supermarket buy, one hand absently stroking her baby-bump... Sometimes, when these things happen to me, I miss the times when my girls were babies and I'd be getting frowns to 'put-them-down' and couldn't resist a cuddle!! Well, they're still cuddly, but much bigger now (not to mention heavier!!)...and over these eight-odd years of being their mum, I've come to understand and comprehend a whole lot more than I did in the years before God chose to give me this unique gift; maternity... I think of the time when they were little, born one-by-one, as naturally as it is possible, given the NHS. I miss the memory of their tiny curled-up fists, the translucent nails, the little features and eyes tightly shut....
It may sound cheesy, or even over-the-top, but the truth is, I never really appreciated the whole concept of the difference between 'men' and 'women', before I met my husband. Yes, I was aware of the physical, mental, cultural and temperamental variations between the two sexes, but to me, atleast, being a girl seemed like one hell of a drawback! Physically, atleast until I hit puberty, I did pretty much all the things my brother (and sister) did! We played cricket, ran about, rode our bicycles and 'explored' our neighbourhood.... But one fine day, it all changed and my world imploded when I realised that girls n boys have a fundamental difference. With the onset of (unwelcome, uncomfortable and wholly undesirable) periods, I felt horrid and wished I had been a boy. So much for my pre-pubescent physical angst...Things began to change slightly after I finished school and it was time to choose a University course. I found out I couldn't go away, out-of-town to a university of my liking, to pursue my studies, Heck, I couldn't even take off for six months of apprenticeship training as part of my degree course! My gran always fretted and worried about me if I were running late to get home, my father, trusting yet troubled, sat silently in the living room, the light of a single paper lantern illuminating his solemn features. He'd try to read, or listen to the radio as he waited, trying and failing to hide his frown of worry when my 'time problem' studio dragged on and on... or when he sheer scale. It wasn't easy, because I could see how many worries, how much of anguish I was heaping on my family; my Dad, my Gran and I hated myself for being a girl... Those were the years when I used to feel 'wronged', somehow....
It wasn't until I first realized I was expecting a baby, that I fully grasped the beauty of the miracle that God has bestowed upon womankind! My first thought was of my own mother; and all of a sudden, I found myself sobbing from the sheer pain of losing her as a 17 year old, and the bitter-sweet joy of how happy she might have been, to know that her scrawny, barely surviving, fighter of a baby was now at the receiving-end of the very same miracle.. the one that God wrought, to bring me to life...
My second, and almost instantaneous thought was, I needed to tell my husband! I managed to tell him without too many tears, so he'd not worry there was something wrong, and we fell into each others' arms, sobbing (me) and grinning (him) at the same time.. As the enormity of the faint pink  lines sank into our psyche, we hugged for joy and smiled the widest smiles! We did another test, just to make sure, and when I came back out (of the loo) positively beaming, we looked at the strips together scarcely able to believe our eyes! It was like the most beautiful day of our lives was near; okay, maybe not near enough seeing that it was still three-quarters of a year away, but near enough that we could envision it....!
After a memorable pregnancy, involving lots of absurd cravings, some predictable, some unimaginable (Southern Fried Chicken followed by mars bars, anyone!!??) I had my first-born... but that's another story...!! This blog is about, amongst other things, the way my life has changed ever since I became a mother.....Just thought I'd make a point!

A Leap of Faith...

As surely as if I had been nudged awake, I wake up and notice that I'd (again) nodded off on the sofa... It seems to have become a regular occurrence, since Mum (in-Law) went to India and I'm in-charge of my days (and nights!). After over two years of doing night shifts, I've hopelessly messed my sleeping pattern. Now, I just get some shut-eye for about three-four hours at a time, and then "..O O.." my peepers just fly open...
"Well today is Saturday, so there's no need to jump into the shower", I reminded myself, for beginning the (school-related) daily dash..


As the birds twitter outside, and the day breaks over the world (well, this part of the world, at-least), all I contemplate is whether to go running or biking, wake up the kids at eight or nine, and whether its better to let them wake up naturally... Idly, I reached out for my Samsung Notebook, which was on power-saving mode, with the favourites still open, earphones still plugged into my ears... I get up, brush my teeth, freshen up and sit down again, nestled comfortably under Raj's favourite downy, fleece white n blue blanket and start reading and writing- preparing to commit to memory the day that was...


It was the culmination of a long two weeks' wait, yesterday. I visited a School which I'm hoping, my daughter will soon join, flourishing in the care she'll receive there. This is not to say that her current School is inadequate;  it is, simply put, time to move on into the best environment for her today. Yes, it is a Special Needs school, and yes, my child, although as yet undiagnosed, is known to have significantly specific difficulties with her Gross and fine Motor Skills, Social Communication, Language (both expressive and receptive, i.e-in terms of speaking and understanding) and Proprioception and Behaviour...


In my understanding of the broad scope of the term ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), I suspect, as does her paediatrician, (although she's reluctant to put it in as an official diagnosis as yet), that my child is somewhere on the AS. She believes that Shivangi may, in future, present with a Dyslexic profile, and is, at present, struggling with her gross and fine motor skills and bi-lateral coordination (which explains her difficulty in writing, reading, eating etc).To the jargon-proficient this might sound easy enough, yet to those like me who seek to simplify things, especially when they are being used to describing my own child, it is a case of unscrambling the 'lingo' to get to the bottom of the intent. 


I arrived at the school with my children's school SENCO and Family Worker- a dear Lady and a genuinely warm person named Mrs Wendy Austin. The fact that Wendy offered to drive me there with them, instead of me taking a bus route into town and finding my own way to the school, was extremely sweet of her...(particularly because my 'time-window' was too narrow; school starts at 0845 and from the kids' school to the new school, a bus would have taken me atleast an hour....). As we reached the school and disembarked, i looked around the silent, peaceful grounds which were nestled along the edge of a hill. Vast grounds overlooked the valley beyond where the city lay, shrouded in the morning mist. The school was situated on a lovely hill-top with a panoramic view of the whole city below. I  looked around and not only liked what I saw, but also felt a peaceful feeling in my heart, that told me my baby would be really happy if she could play, learn, laugh and explore in this kind of an environment...! We walked in through the quiet reception, and waited to see the Headteacher, who emerged from her office to greet us with a lovely smile. We introduced ourselves and sat down and the SENCO told her about my reason for visiting. she asked me if I wanted to know something about the school, look around and walk through it with her, visiting classes, meeting children and teachers in classrooms and see how I felt?! I nodded, and then I tried to take-in and absorb what the headteacher said about the way the classes were run and the curriculum managed, around the school.


On my tour of the school, It looked truly special, from the relaxed, calm atmosphere, to the masterful works of art displayed on the walls- from a huge canvas- oil paints in all the primary colours splashed across, to mind-blowing effect, (as my 'design-orientated' eyes looked for abstract patterns and shapes) to a masterfully painted 'spider-man' like abstract one, done by a seven year old boy in ten odd minutes (The writing on the mount, in the frame told me as much)...In the small groups of children, in the teachers' interacting with two-three students in groups as they did their lesson-related activities and in the massive grounds, edged by tall trees, overlooking the city below beyond the fence, I could easily picture my child feeling more calm, participating,in, and more importantly, feeling good about the things the other children were doing.


Just as some plants need more attention and care to grow, whilst others thrive with the odd dash from a watering can, and grow like a weed, it is my belief as a mother, that some children need more support than others to realise their potential. These are the children who, by God's will or grace; call it what you will, are differently-able in life... These children are the chosen ones, the one thrown a 'challenge'  by God, to see how the rest of us 'lesser' mortals cope!! As a mother of a child with a difficulty, it is extremely hard to keep things in perspective sometimes. Others can get away with blaming her behaviour on her stubbornness, her naughtiness or her attitude on her behaviour; I can begin to make sense of it and react in the right way only by remembering she is not deliberately doing this...She is trying, her damned best to make head or tail of the world as she sees it. As her mother, I know she mimics speech, copies phrases, imitates reactions and mirrors affection. She smiles; a LOT...! She is affectionate, lovable and very closely connected with her 'emotional' self. She feels remorse, but vents her feelings like a volcano, she feels tidal waves of love and wants to hug us and others, but is sometimes so strong in her holding of people, they feel stifled. Then, their reaction hurts her feelings and she bursts into tears and screams out at us all... she can make me smile, just by virtue of me thinking of her! She can also make people laugh out loud; she has a terrific sense of humour and can even laugh at herself. 



For me, this is a massive Leap of Faith, across the chasm of my near and dear ones' doubts, aspersions, blame and guilt. I tried to reason, resolve and involve them, sharing the reports, the schedule of meetings, Parent Partnership coffee-mornings, appointments and therapy sessions which only I attended with her all these years...When all I got in reply was a "I have to go to work so I can't be with the two of you, but whatever you feel is right is right by me" (hubby) and "you're wrecking your own child's future by your own hands", and "I'll tell her, when she's grown -up, YOUR mum put you through all THIS..." (M-i-L)...I decided, in my heart- NOW I MUST DO... the TIME to THINK is over....My mind made up, I wrote to the relevant department, following my gut, my instinct and my heart, all of them telling me, in unison, to go for it! My letter done, the attachments printed, and the referrals made, I am waiting to hear from the lady whether or not it is going to work out all right. Besides, it has to be His (God's) will, too. 



In my letter, to Mrs. Rosie Newberry, at the Children and Learning Department, I wrote:

                 

Dear Mrs Newberry,


I would like to apply for a place for my child, Shivangi Sarvaiya, aged 7.5yrs at Richmond Hill School, Luton. I took the opportunity to visit the school last month. This visit was facilitated by my daughter’s present school, Chantry Primary School, Luton. The visit was suggested by Ms V Lloyd, of Luton Parent Partnership, as a result of my observation of Shivangi’s behaviour at home and in my interactions with her teachers and T.As, Headteacher and Family Support Team at school. That she is not making progress, academically or otherwise, in the current Mainstream educational Setting, despite her School’s best efforts has been clear to me for some time now. 


Given her level of difficulties, she has had the dedicated 1to1 support in her classes and lessons (as suggested in her Statement of SEN). She also participates in and enjoys the activities and therapy she has been accessing both at school and in the community, such as Occupational Therapy, ‘BRAINBEATS’ Music Programme, PECS etc. However, she is still functioning way below her peer-age level and, as her mother, I suspect this has impacted negatively in her behaviour towards others, be they adults or children. It is a constant source of worry to me, that she should fall so far behind her educational curriculum that it becomes impossible to integrate her into an age-appropriate setting in future. It is with this worry that I have turned to you. I hope that in your experience, knowledge and understanding of children’s needs you may be able to see what I cannot resolve as just a mother and, in your capacity and role with the Department of Children and Learning can help me do the best for my child. 


Shivangi’s special needs have, no doubt, been adequately studied, identified and looked into and given the level of complexity of her needs and her age the Specialists’ Recommendations are being sincerely implemented both at home and school. Her Statement of SEN, states that she has difficulties with her gross and fine motor skills, proprioception, semantic and pragmatic language difficulties, and behavioural problems (mostly seen in her social Interactions) . She also mimics speech, copies peoples’ words or phrases, imitates reactions (if I get upset she gets upset, and if I get angry and reprimand her, she turns back instantly and says it right back to me!) but her biggest ‘gift’ is that she mirrors affection and loves giving hugs. She smiles a lot and talks to anyone she wants to, whether she knows them or not! She makes friends easily as well…


You may know all this from the relevant documentation of the professionals involved, their reports etc and I am probably not telling you anything new in that regard. My sole aim today is to tell you how and why I feel Shivangi would be fortunate to go to Richmond Hill School, come September. As a Special School in the Borough of Luton, it is quite remarkable. Richmond Hill School has a calm and relaxed atmosphere, something that Shivangi needs. I noticed, on my tour of the school, how classes were run, from the specialist resources, to lessons that were tailored specifically to the children’s individual needs. There was ample support from Teachers and T.As in classes with four or five adults and just eight or nine children in the classes. This would be ideal for my child, as she currently has adult support in class on most occasions. The lovely, spacious grounds of the school, with the vegetable garden, play equipment, outdoor activities organized for the children to participate in, all would be something Shivangi would greatly benefit from. I can easily picture my daughter feeling calm and participating in all these activities, and most importantly, feeling good about the things other children were doing, and being able to do them by herself, too.


The Head Teacher at Richmond Hill, Mrs Jill Miller mentioned how the school makes regular trips and visits to bring the children out in varied social settings and activities that familiarize them with the outdoors. The School organizes many trips to various kinds of educational and social settings, so that the children can become more comfortable in noisy, busy places, find their way around with adult guidance and supervision and feel more secure. It resonate with me as I too, try and take her out with me as much as I can, be it to Town, a Park, or simply grocery-shopping with me and each subsequent trip becomes a little more easier as she knows what to expect.


Her school, Chantry Primary School, has soldiered on, since she was in nursery, to provide her with a high level of support and help her with tasks she may find difficult. From things like demonstrating how to do up her coat buttons, or zip up her jumper without getting frustrated, holding a pencil correctly and mark making, to encouraging desirable behaviour by giving her sticker-chart to maintain and an activity of her choice as a reward. All the credit for her progress so far goes to her teachers, T.As, and all the staff who have supported both her and my family at Chantry School. She was always included in activities, lessons and trips, making me grateful, for all that they have done.
I now feel that Shivangi is at the stage in her education where she needs the specialist support that would be available at a special school as the gap between her and her peers in a mainstream school setting, widens.  I feel that Shivangi would benefit greatly from attending a Specialist Educational Setting such as Richmond Hill School. I, therefore, would request you to consider this the heartfelt application from a parent wth a young child, who is following her instincts, her heart and puts her faith in you. My husband and I, both, await your response.


Yours sincerely,


Mrs Ruchita Sarvaiya.